just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize