Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
