i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
