im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you will always have a special place in my vag
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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