haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
