Your tits are I can't wait for
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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