Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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