I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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