There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
