I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
