i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize