I wish I only lived at night.
Too much gin, very little bucket
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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