Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
