my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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