i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
