I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
