I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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