In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
