I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
