Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
