there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Is it penis luge time yet?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I didn't notice because vodka
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
