There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Randomize
