Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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