First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize