I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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