All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
