I heard we made out
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
