I need help removing her.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
