And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize