i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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