we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
