with your own penis?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
