I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
