i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
