get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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