I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
