Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
