If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize