I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
