oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
third nipple confirmed
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize