this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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