I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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