walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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