i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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