My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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