Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
