Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
