I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
