what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
