Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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