Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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