I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
