Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
