when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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