I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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