If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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