That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
