I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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