He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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