Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
