I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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