My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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