I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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