Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
