highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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