fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
