it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
