I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
