Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
